Haiku

a matching pair

of shared memories and dreams

now he walks alone

© JG Farmer 2013

At Sunrise

Photography by Al Forbes

The sun stretches across the silken drape
In dawns of awareness there’s no escape
A breath of life in the darkness of sleep
With the sensual arousal of a dream
As confused euphoric tears gently weep
For the love that has come to find its voice
In the disarray of a world of change
As the past confounds in misinformed choice
With futures where all things seem new and strange
In new beginnings thoughts and dreams exchange
The ways that delve beyond deeper than deep
As the art of love takes a different shape
Acceptance replaces the panicking scream
And the soul of love once more can rejoice





© JG Farmer 2013

Prompt: : http://kattermonran.com/2013/10/19/weekly-photo-challenge-what-are-hue-looking-for/

Certified Destiny

No child is born

as colours change from pink to blue

the old scatters like confetti

over the discarded shell of the past

and from the debris

strides a man

holding the declaration

Gender: MALE!

© JG Farmer 2013

Precipice

Texte: forward along the cliff-edge – The Composer Says This is How We Should Live Our Lives by Patricia Fargnoli

The eyes focus forward to future days
While silent thoughts visualize the changing ways
When dreaming is the way living will be
Instead of tittering on the knife-edge
And barely gazing out across the sea
The journey must start with the biggest leap
As the footstep becomes the giant stride
That leaves behind the broken tears that weep
For chances lost in all that the heart denied
Emotions shatter as they slip and slide
With no privacy in the public gaze
All those words of hate make the going steep
As aching feet fumble from ledge to ledge
On the precipice towards destiny

© JG Farmer 2013

Notes:

Prompt: http://theboipoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/whimsical-wednesday-09-october-2013.html

Form: Ivorian Sonnet CII 

Under the Knife

Bilateral reconstruction

a sharpened blade slicing flesh

the key to open the door

releasing the fugitive into the unknown

letting go of the pain through pain

no longer watching freedom

through the barred windows

while longing for the places

the imprisoned soul cannot go

yet the senses fear capture

being locked down again

for like the wild eagle

a man must be free to fly

© JG Farmer 2013

Who Needs to Know

Baptism by recorded delivery
the paperwork declares it so
ticking them off one by one
as copies sent to official pen-pushers
with quizzical looks of
you cannot have a boy’s name
I said
‘Get over it’
I am reborn




© JG Farmer 2013

Puberty Revisited

Testosterone Molecule

Chemical interjection
rearranging bulk locations
redefining muscular shape
like a chisel in a sculptor’s hand
shoulders stretch and broaden to take the flack
as the curved facial lines straighten
into the masculine grin with a husky voice
visual changes to meet inner spirit
the increased sensuality tenderly growing
eruptions beneath the skin
but there is just one question –
should it be before or after
the longed for flattening?





© J Farmer 2013

Step by Step

One foot forward
a small step into a giant leap
grasping destiny
the last sense of perspective
when all else is confusion of time
decisions demand questions
forcing answers into logical explanations
where there is no logic
living the reality of self
inside out
as needles piece the skin the vocal chords snap
towards radical surgery
once more to blend into the real world




© J Farmer 2013

Who Are You

From early days I asked the question,
that question a man asks himself before breathing
but the eyes that reveal so much
unable to smile
had no answer to ease the soul
a life in denial reveals no truth
only torment and torture can be its destiny
and that is not living
but like a mystery waiting to unravel
the clues are in the evidence
as I ask the question again –
who is that man in the mirror?

© J Farmer 2013

Prompt: http://theboipoet.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/tuesdays-thinking-01-october-2013.html

Therapy

Help me find a way out of this
life of imprisonment
the cage with no bars
that is my body
release me from the pain
and sorrow of looking in the mirror
be my light in the dark
but do not rush me
teach me patience when I move too fast
hear my cry and see me smile
take me on the journey to me

© J Farmer 2013

Through The Door

The right time that does not exist
when all that you have on the outside
is wrong
yet inside the feelings are real
getting stronger
they cannot stay locked in forever
out of control emotions
wrapped in nerves of fear
and before the words can be said
more tears will fall
each one a step closer to the time
the truth must be told
before turning into that quiet place
but still answering their questions
keeping the senses calm
as they learn to understand




© J Farmer 2013

Passing Out

Slowly making modifications
without attracting glances
hoping nobody notices
or makes a comment

Inch by inch the long tresses of hair
disappear into a crew cut
and dark shades disguise the eyes
where black kohl once made a line

Lipstick and lace fall away
revealing a suit and tie
and they question why denim jeans
paired with Doc Marten boots

Packing feels strange against the flesh
while binding hugs in tight
and she left the building
as he walked in




© J Farmer 2013

Green Light

Laid down the weapons of self-destruction
words lost in confused emotions
all meaningless in an act of surrender
the last victory over old doubts and fears
as awareness evolves into reality
alone in a crowded room
the eyes watch and ears listen
as tears release the freedom
of coming home
on the bed more reading material
defining future possibilities
too many choices for one destiny
each a crossroads on the journey of life
but there is no rush now
all the lights have turned to green.




© J Farmer 2013

Curtain Call

Alone
as the world hurried by
lost in its own normality
prompted by words in newspapers
degrading his existence
while setting the public opinion
the standards of decency
in false morality
labelling his kind as freaks
while a child hid his differences
beneath layers of self-loathing
unable to feel love
as his fear became his saline tears
and truth was lost in an artificial smile
so none could know his shame
hidden by his performance of existence
upon the stage of his life
with no applause or academy awards
as he rehearsed in the bathroom
to face the world of questioning glances
amid his nonsensical fears of them seeing
the actor is failing
unable to hold the pretence in the limelight
his own truth must be heard
to champion his own right to be
in the final soliloquy
that is destiny

© J Farmer 2013

Notes:

Form: Free Verse

July 1982

Words of hate dictated by creed

Love’s need a pathway of pain

Making our plans on the lake

Youthful mistakes in the rain

Need to belong was too strong

Our love was wrong and fears cried

Yet as we kissed on the shore

So much more must be denied

This was more than a good-bye

This living lie must be fate

So much joy lost inside me

No longer free it’s too late.

© Jem Farmer 2013

Notes: Form: Awdl Gwydd

Personal Scrutiny

I thought accepting my gender identity was a tough nut. It was, but not as tough as the scrutiny I feel I am under now. Everything I do, say and think is being microscopically analysed. Not by other people, but by myself. I keep checking myself – is what I am wearing male enough, is the book I am reading too feminine, is the level of my voice deep enough or is the way I walk too much of a girly wiggle rather than a manly strut?

I was expecting it from others and, as I am my own worst critic, a bit from myself – but not to this extent. It is not that I doubt what I am doing is right; I know this transition is right for me and I got to get on and face it. I have known my gender identity since I was a little kid and have buried it since then too. I know the major part of transition is self-acceptance and although I have been aware of it since I was a child I am only just coming to terms with my identity. I have got to be patient with myself.

Transsexuality or gender dysphoria is a lonely place. Yes there are support groups, yes I have wonderful supportive family and friends – and I really do appreciate all of them. However, they cannot make the decisions for me. Transition is self-realization and finding my own identity rather than the one I built to hide myself. Denying self has been the easier option and frankly still is but it is not the healthy one.

I suppose I am habitually applying that same inner critique that buried my male awareness to present as female to my identity now but in reverse. I look at the list of what may be to come and it looks terrifying but to go back is even more so and I do not want to go back so it is not an option anyway. Transition is very much cross each bridge as it is needed to be crossed and I know that is the only way that I can do it.





© J Farmer 2013