Curtain Call

Alone
as the world hurried by
lost in its own normality
prompted by words in newspapers
degrading his existence
while setting the public opinion
the standards of decency
in false morality
labelling his kind as freaks
while a child hid his differences
beneath layers of self-loathing
unable to feel love
as his fear became his saline tears
and truth was lost in an artificial smile
so none could know his shame
hidden by his performance of existence
upon the stage of his life
with no applause or academy awards
as he rehearsed in the bathroom
to face the world of questioning glances
amid his nonsensical fears of them seeing
the actor is failing
unable to hold the pretence in the limelight
his own truth must be heard
to champion his own right to be
in the final soliloquy
that is destiny

© J Farmer 2013

Notes:

Form: Free Verse

Personal Scrutiny

I thought accepting my gender identity was a tough nut. It was, but not as tough as the scrutiny I feel I am under now. Everything I do, say and think is being microscopically analysed. Not by other people, but by myself. I keep checking myself – is what I am wearing male enough, is the book I am reading too feminine, is the level of my voice deep enough or is the way I walk too much of a girly wiggle rather than a manly strut?

I was expecting it from others and, as I am my own worst critic, a bit from myself – but not to this extent. It is not that I doubt what I am doing is right; I know this transition is right for me and I got to get on and face it. I have known my gender identity since I was a little kid and have buried it since then too. I know the major part of transition is self-acceptance and although I have been aware of it since I was a child I am only just coming to terms with my identity. I have got to be patient with myself.

Transsexuality or gender dysphoria is a lonely place. Yes there are support groups, yes I have wonderful supportive family and friends – and I really do appreciate all of them. However, they cannot make the decisions for me. Transition is self-realization and finding my own identity rather than the one I built to hide myself. Denying self has been the easier option and frankly still is but it is not the healthy one.

I suppose I am habitually applying that same inner critique that buried my male awareness to present as female to my identity now but in reverse. I look at the list of what may be to come and it looks terrifying but to go back is even more so and I do not want to go back so it is not an option anyway. Transition is very much cross each bridge as it is needed to be crossed and I know that is the only way that I can do it.





© J Farmer 2013